


I Don't Know Why I Forget - But I Do

by tauhou



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Dishwashers, Exams, F/F, Hopes and Dreams, Step-parents, a bit angsty i guess, parenting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-23
Updated: 2019-07-23
Packaged: 2020-06-30 03:28:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,448
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19844626
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tauhou/pseuds/tauhou
Summary: Her wife is seething with a dull fury that is seeing the dishwasher well and truly sorted out. She stifles a sigh which will do absolutely no good and says, "So, everything fine then?"Noah is studying for exams.  His mums have a discussion.As usual, no particular plot, just loads of talking.





	I Don't Know Why I Forget - But I Do

**Author's Note:**

> Set a few years to the future, in their own place. Also, winter/spring cause I can't imagine writing anything summery at the moment.

Vanessa can tell from the noise in the kitchen that Charity is upset before she even gets to the doorway. There's a specific heaviness about her footsteps and a sharp clanking as she stashes things into the dishwasher; controlled, determined, angry.

It's confirmed when she barely glances up when her wife comes in, snapping her focus back to a pot that is an especially awkward fit.

She's mystified as to what's bothering her. They've been having a lovely evening, snug and warm against a bitter storm outside. After a few marginal attempts over the last weeks, Charity had produced a respectable roast chicken and potatoes and, with a bit of help, the younger boys had nailed boiling peas and carrots. Even Noah had done his bit by turning up after only being yelled for once. Then she'd managed to see the funny side when Charity made Johnny laugh so hard he'd lost a fork-full of peas half-way across the table and Noah had even asked for help with his upcoming science exam as they were clearing the dishes. And listened when she gave it. It'd been fun.

And now this. Her wife is seething with a dull fury that is seeing the dishwasher well and truly sorted out. She stifles a sigh which will do absolutely no good and says, "So, everything fine then?"

She gets no answer, unsurprisingly. She hangs up the tea towel she was bringing in from the living room and leans against the bench.

Charity pulls the last of the pudding dishes out of the sink and finds a place for them in the top drawer of the dishwasher. She's thinking at least, about how to answer Vanessa's question, her movements more considered. She loves her for this. For all she's been through, and how hard she can be. This willingness to try, this willingness to trust that Vanessa is trying to make it better. That it'll be worth the effort.

"It's just." she waves her hands, the plate in one of them orbiting erratically. "You."

There's a lurch high in Vanessa's stomach before she registers that Charity doesn't seem to be angry *at* her. Just near enough to be unnerving. She keeps her voice measured, and mildly curious. "How'd you mean? 'Me.'"

Charity slots the plate into a spare space in the dishwasher, and starts collecting cutlery out of the sink. Then sighs deeply, the wet clanking of the teaspoons diminishing into silence.

"It's just you and Noah, out there in the living room, talking about chemical reactions and digestive systems and flimmin exam strategies, and everything." She lifts her head and stares at Vanessa in the reflection of the darkened window, the shadows in her eyes emphasised by the darkness behind the glass. "An laughing."

Vanessa cocks her head, her question unvoiced but clear.

"I suddenly realised...", Charity drops her head back down to the sink, nodding to herself, one side of her bottom lip pulled in between her teeth. She dips her hands into the sink, sweeping up the cutlery and roughly shaking the drips off it. "I hadn't realised I'd ... that somewhere along the line I'd given up on wanting that for him. Someone who he respects, who can talk to him about all that ruddy school guff and help him really do something with that clever brain of his." She jams the teaspoons firmly into the dishwasher and shuts the door with a measured excess of force. Then she slumps back against the sink, folding her arms across her chest.

"I thought Jai might do that once, you know." She swallows uncomfortably. "And Zoe. Stupid of me, that." It looks for a moment like she might head back into the dark of her thoughts, but she lifts her head, flicks her eyes to the living room. "I were only going in there to check he hadn't left his pudding plate on the table and there you were laughing away together about cow farts."

"And Ness," She scans Vanessa's face, canvasing all her features like she's assessing an awkward customer in the pub. "He doesn't look at many people that way. That he was looking at you. Hardly anyone at all."

"Oh, ... methane." Vanessa says, as she catches up with Charity's train of thought. "Yes."

It's not the first time she has been left flat-footed in her relationship with Charity. She figures she mostly picks up on what's going on, has more insight into it than most at least, but sometimes, the things Charity comes out with still floor her.

"Charity ... I." she shakes her head faintly and tries again. "I'm not trying to ... do anything," she trails off unconvincingly. Charity waits patiently for her to clarify what the hell she's talking about. "I mean."

She thinks back to her own exam prep. The stress of not knowing how she'd do, studying till all hours and then having to face her mum's pointed questions over breakfast about whether she was even studying the right topics. She's not sure if she's helping Noah or herself when she checks in with him if she's honest.

"If I can help him, of course I will." She steps across the gap between them, Charity's hands loosing as she gently teases her arms apart. "He's a good student when he gets going. Just needs a bit of reminding sometimes."

"That's what I mean though, babe." Charity's hands slip gently around Vanessa's waist. "You remind him, encourage him. And here I am," she drags in a breath and continues, her voice tight, "just forgetting stuff."

Vanessa pauses for a bit, looking for a clue as to what it is that's bothering her wife, digging away in her mind like a splinter buried deep in soft skin. Something seems off, she can't square this gloom with the woman she lives with, the woman who she woke up with this morning. "You haven't forgotten anything. You love him, you're still here, aren't you? And whatever might have gone wrong over the years, you're still trying, trying to make things better and give him a good life. Which is all any of us can do." She runs her hands up the taller woman's arms and settles her hands on Charity's shoulders, smiling as she feels them relax subtly. "You're still his amazing mum."

Charity rolls her eyes, but somehow contrives to pull Vanessa slightly closer as she does.

"That's not what I meant, babe. I meant that you ... know stuff. Smart, sciencey stuff. Like exams. And chemical symbols. And what time of year Uni enrollments are. What Uni enrollments are." She grimaces, only half managing to keep it humourous. "I know how to prepare for court dates and brewery reps. It's just not the same."

"Well,... no, it's not exactly the same." Vanessa tries an encouraging smile. "But if he ever needs that sort of expertise, he'll be grateful I'm sure."

Charity's eyes flare. She pulls away, turns firmly back to the sink, picking up the dishcloth and rinsing it out. "Yeah, I'll bet he'll be thrilled."

It was the wrong thing to say, Vanessa knew that as soon as the words left her mouth, but she's got no idea what to say instead and she doesn't want to make it worse, so she stands quietly nearby, resisting the impulse to fold her arms.

Charity's voice is softer as she starts talking again, chucking the dishcloth behind the tap and turning back around. "I'm sorry. I know it is actually useful to have someone in your corner if that happens; whichever side of the dock you're on." She leans backwards, her hands braced on the benchtop, her shoulders hunched. "It's just not something I want for him, you know?"

"Yeah." Vanessa nods softly, "I'm sorry, it's ... not really funny. I don't know why I said that." She laughs, but it's a small, empty laugh at her own expense.

Charity's head drops as she contemplates the toe of one of her boots, circling one foot, before placing it back down on the floor, "It's ok babe. I know you were just trying to help." She shrugs, hamming it up a little. "I mean, you did a terrible job, but..."

Vanessa smiles back, feeling faintly shy. "It's not all that you know though, Charity. I've seen you eject obnoxious bullies from that pub of yours in record time."

Charity laughs sharply, throwing her head back.

"And take Eric down a peg or two when he needs it most." Vanessa pushes up onto her toes, pushing her hands into her back pockets. "And get a laugh out of Sarah when she's having a tough day. And you never do let the customers get a look in on the crossword." She cocks her head briefly, looking Charity up and down appraisingly. "Right sharp, you."

"Well, whether or not any of that is true," Charity replies, some life and warmth returning to her voice. "I still don't understand how I could have lost all of it babe. That dream I had for him, was clear as anything I've ever known. I was so sure I could Do Something, make it all happen, and then ..." Charity searches the ceiling for inspiration, her hands out, empty, "it just _went_." Her hands drop to her sides with a subdued thwap, as if they've had their strings cut. "I mean how can a person _do_ that. Forget a whole future for another human being?" She's staring at Vanessa, looking much younger than usual somehow, her brow scrunched up in confusion. "Who _does_ that?"

Vanessa takes a big breath, holding Charity's gaze, taking in the ghost of a shadow that has settled back in behind her eyes. She wants to get this next bit right so badly, knows that she may not get another chance to tackle this for who knows how long. Her teeth clench briefly in frustration at how much she wants to express, and how little she can put into words. How much she loves this unexpected and extraordinary woman and how brave, and loyal and profoundly perceptive she can be. Eventually she opens her mouth, keeping the Charity she knows and loves in the forefront of her mind, praying the right words come out.

"You can't remember every hope you have for your kids, Charity."

There's a beat while Charity sags and looks off into the distance. She hates how easy it is to send her back there, how quickly she hangs herself out to dry for her past mistakes. She reaches forwards again, catching Charity's fidgeting hands in her own, pulling Charity's attention back to them, to the present. And she says with as much sincerity as she can muster, "No one does."

It works, a bit, she thinks. Instead of pulling away, Charity frowns, watchfully twisting her hands around to grip Vanessa's fingers with her own.

"You know I wanted Johnny to sing?" Vanessa carries on, hoping like hell that this works, "Or be musical in some way. I was absolutely sure I was going to buy a ukulele and learn it an everything. I never did. Kirin left, and things got tough, and ... I just didn't."

"You know when you were singing, with the boys, on the way back from that trip over to the market last year? And Johnny kept insisting you sang the Wheels on the Bus again and again? I remember thinking how stunning that was, that enthusiasm he had, for the singing. That's you. An it's better with you than it would have been with me, because with you," she runs her thumbs gently across her wife's knuckles, "You don't mind them making mistakes."

"Well 'don't mind' is a bit strong babe," Charity says, pulling a face to cover a smile. "Moz's higher notes got a bit painful there toward the end."

Vanessa lets a slow answering smile collect on her face, letting the joke settle the lighter mood between them before she continues. "My point is, none of us is perfect Charity. We have all these intentions, and stuff gets in the way. Life, ... gets in the way. Things we have no control over." She gently guides Charity's hands back to her waist, closing the space between them. "An that's why we don't do this alone, right? Why we stick together and help each other out. Why we take the time for each other's kids. And you know that's not just ours right? We'd show up for Jack, and Leo, Hope, and April. Sarah, Belle. Even Seb and Liv." She nudges Charity with her hip. "You know that."

Charity nods, pulling in a slow, deep breath. There's a hint of a smile as she says, "Yeah, I do know that, babe. Just you and me and ... looking after everyone's kids. Living the flimmin dream aren't we?"

"Oh you." Vanessa says, trying for disapproving and failing completely.

"Ok. Ok." She envelops Vanessa in hug, landing a hasty kiss on her temple with that tender brusqueness she has, their bodies adjusting together as they relax. Vanessa thinks maybe this time it's worked, that she's helped uproot at least one tangled thicket from Charity's mental landscape. Wonders how many more there might be. Wonders if they'll ever all be gone.

"You're a bit good at that you know." Charity says, her voice quieter than usual.

Vanessa frowns slightly. "Wot?"

"Saying the right thing." She shakes her head, their bodies swaying slightly with the motion. "I don't even know why I...." she looks down at Vanessa, her expression turning on something. "I love you. Just so much."

It's that look in her eye. The one she started seeing a long time ago, started falling in love with. "You too." Her throat tightens, but she chances it anyway, hoping the momentum will carry her words over the line. "And your son, an all." For a moment, she thinks Charity will tip over again into whatever that was that had her upset before, but she's lighter now than she was in their early days, and instead she breathes out, a hint of a laugh resonating through her body, and lifts her eyes to the ceiling, pulling her in.

"I don't deserve you Vanessa Woodfield. Never have. Never will."

It's slipping though. This line Charity takes with her. Every season it eases slightly. Each disaster they weather, each win they bank against life. Every night they sleep, some part always in touch, their eyes bleary in the morning, seeking the reconnection, the reassurance that the other woman is still there. Still wants this. The smile when she sees that she does.

There's something of that smile in Charity's face now, and Vanessa chases it with a quick kiss. She ends up lingering though, slowing as she feels Charity respond down the full length of her body, the subtle shift as her hands reach down over the back pockets of her jeans, the grin in her mouth as she gets her hands to where she wants them to go.

She's well past caring whether it's fair that Charity has this effect on her, how little she has to do to turn Vanessa on. It's enough that she returns her kisses with as much of not more enthusiasm as she gives them herself. More than enough how quickly they find themselves lost in their own space and time, the rest of the world dimming and fading into quiet insignificance.

"Oh God. You two _have_ a room already, if you'd only use it." The newfound depth in Noah's voice abruptly refocuses the mood of the kitchen, dragging them back to the here and now.

Vanessa turns in time to see that there's still a young boy in his grin though; it's one that wouldn't look out of place on Moz or Johnny.

"Oi." Charity replies quickly. "Shouldn't you be studying for that exam of yours? Rather than sneaking around the house, interrupting folk who are having a quiet moment by themselves." She's not letting go of Vanessa either, slinging an arm firmly around her shoulders.

"Quiet would be a mercy mother." Noah fires back, with a surprisingly creditable impersonation of his older sister. "And Vanessa said I'd do great in my exams so..."

"I said you'd do great if you kept studying Noah." Vanessa says trying to keep her voice light. She hates it when she oversteps and hears her mother's judgemental tone sneaking in. Even if it wasn't something she hated as a kid herself, it's not her place with Noah, and she doesn't want to loose what little ground she's made with him.

"Alright!" He sticks his hands up in surrender, before reaching out a long arm and nabbing a bag of crisps off the kitchen bench. "I'll need fuel to keep my brain going, though won't I?" Then he gives them a cheeky wink from the doorway and legs it, his footfall thudding quickly back down the hall.

She gives when Charity shifts her weight, leaning in a little, the returning privacy of the room settling around them again. There's an eddy of their kisses drifting around from earlier, but she can feel her responsibilities drawing back around her like silk. She doesn't make any move to get started other than saying "I should get the terribles ready for bed."

"You know I'd help out with that babe, but there's at least two containers of left-overs that need sorting into the fridge." She can hear the teasing in Charity's voice before she looks up at her wife and sees the green sparkle in her eyes.

"Sure you can manage that all by yourself?" she says, raising a skeptical eyebrow. "Two whole containers?"

"Yep.' Charity tips her head briefly, delicately licking her top lip, "Domestic goddess me."

She doesn't rise to the bait. Not this time. Instead she just grins up at Charity, enjoying the softness that builds in the other woman's face. It feels so precious, this delicate warmth. More intimate and personal sometimes than she ever imagined she'd find with anyone. She wants to just relax into it and enjoy their evening, but there's something in the back of her thoughts, a loose thread that she doesn't want to leave to snag on something later. "You don't mind, though, do you?"

She gets no immediate answer, other than Charity looking at her like she's taken leave of her senses.

"That I'm helping him." Vanessa clarifies, catching one of Charity's hands and lacing their fingers together.

"Mind?!?" Charity's face slides through a few versions of incredulous. "Babe, I think it's brilliant." She shifts the weight on her feet, slouching. "I think you're brilliant. Just wish it weren't so flimmin late. Wish I'd been better at it for him."

She looks at Charity steadily until she meets her eyes. "You're brilliant too, Charity." She can see the moment when Charity lets it go, this mark against herself that she's been dragging around. It's like a tired traveler dumping the luggage they've carried clear across a continent. Letting someone else worry about the weight for a moment. "And, you know what that means? From here out, Charity, we'll just have to be brilliant together." She brings their hands up, kissing the ring that she's almost gotten used to seeing on her wife's finger. "So how about you come up after you've sorted out the left-overs and read them another chapter of Mercy Watson? The look Johnny gave me when I said it'd be me reading last night was heart-breaking. He reckons I 'don't do the voices right' apparently."

"Ugh. Yes. Ok." Charity tugs Vanessa back in as she turns to leave. "When I've done that, yeah, since himself is going to be "studying" all night, ... do you fancy an early night? You know, as your reward for being such a massive swat?"

Vanessa steps into her wife's space, near enough that she can feel the tension that pulls them together when they're this close, and stops, holding her ground. "As my reward for putting up with your snarky backchat maybe."

The smirk Charity produces in response is entirely indecent, and she nearly buckles under the weight of the promise in it.

"Definitely as your reward for something, babe." Charity says, a hint of a deeper note resonating through her voice. "Best hurry up and get them terribles sorted. Left-overs won't take forever to pack away you know."

"Good thing too." Vanessa replies, interrupting Charity's smug grin with a kiss. "I'll see you in bed." She sinks into a second, longer kiss, then untangles Charity's hands from the small of back and heads upstairs, her blonde hair swishing as she takes the steps two at a time.


End file.
